Monthly Archives: March 2010

‘..and besides, the wench is dead’: Getting Over It?

It’s easier when people hurt or reject me than find me attractive, tbh. Rejection, pain, inadequacy reinforce a familiar sense of self, and the one i feel i deserve. Unfortunately, perhaps?, the number of people by whom i feel genuinely recognised and who can thus genuiely hurt me is shrinking of late, so i can’t feel comfortable in feelings of irredeemable inadequacy and self-hate either. But loss has been the conditioning experience of my adulthood, and continues to be so. The pain that i can’t bear, that i eat sometimes to hide, is the only familiar and constant thing in a world where these days loss, potential and actual, is my *only* true emotional reality. And it’s paradoxical, because in eating to suppress that, i’ve lost the body that i feel, however contradictorily, truly reflects my sexual and emotional vulnerablity, the place where *I* live, that truly reflects myself. And so the cycle goes on. Continue reading

Posted in Culture, Hunger, Love, Psychobabble, Self-harm, Sex, Uncategorized | Leave a comment