feels like suicide: warning, triggers here.

Ultimately, I’m (representative I as an example, as well as me personally) the only person who has to live in my body and in my head all the time. Nobody else, however close, has the right to tell me how I should or do experience that. I’m the only person, essentially, who ges to call whether the life I experience on a daily basis is worth living or not.

there is no state, suicidal or otherwise, in which I would want anyone else to be taking ultimate responsibility for my decisions or desires. Well, and thinking about myself suicidal, I am always, always glad there was the choice. I didn’t – and, evidently, don’t – take it. But I need it to be there, and to be *my* choice, and for the people that love me to understand and accept that fundamental to the person they love is the fervent desire not to be alive – and, perversely, the courage to face life every day even though it’s intolerable.

Death is permanent, but it’s also inevitable. It’s the one element of life that doesn’t frighten me. I remember when I woke up in hospital after one of my heart attacks, the nurse admonished me I’d almost died, and I said ‘but it’s living that’s the hard part.’ And i stand by that to this day. Any man’s death diminishes me, for I am involved in mankind; but my own would be a blessed relief.

Doesn’t mean I’ll do it, tho. But that’s because I’m bloody-minded, and take no prisoners.


About Goblin

Academic, critic, endlessly fascinated; reads, thinks, listens and talks far more than is good for her. Ex-anorexic, ex-ME, excitable, queer, kinky, nosy, mouthy. Purveyor of uncomfortable truths. Talks filth in public. Likes rabbits, old houses with big windows and John Wilmot Earl of Rochester. Needs more sleep.
This entry was posted in Culture, Hunger, Psychobabble, Self-harm, Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink.

One Response to feels like suicide: warning, triggers here.

  1. G. says:

    Dear Goblin, On a deeper personal level, I have truly found it hard to find a self worth. Sure for a time I had a identity as far as my personality. But there has always been a fear a disconnection between my inner self and who I am as far as everyone else. In recent years, not helped in part because of being injured and people who do not take the time to see me for who I am, only seeing me as a token irrespective of how well or not that assumption reflects who I am and what I can do.

    Throughout my school years, I have seen where things got nasty. Before my secondary school, I did have upset and strife and I could be myself. But as I entered secondary school, my life and world changed along with my self. It’s all to easy to blame kink on this, but honestly I became self aware of kink in this last decade as I see Pony Play and other seemingly odd & manga inspired, sometimes Sailor Moon, Akira based fetishes.

    Some played against my deeper understanding of feminism and challenged by denial what is considered normal. But what I see today as a few hours of work in Photoshop, was back then a perspective of the relationships I had had and was having. Without understanding why & yet maybe it was my own gentleman stance, I was a haven of sorts for women who where unsure of there own sexuality. So time and time again, I find myself dating these amazing beautiful soles (I like who they are, who they are in life rather than looking for a perfect 10). Yet not evolving from simple embrace, shopping doing normal everyday things, but maybe in a way like a barbie & ken doll relationship. It did not feel real. All to often it was more about body language, when we dated they where often closed up and sat away from me, even in ways I could not fully understand. I had OCD at the time & yet I also had no contemplation to what or how it affected me. So having my girlfriend sitting not in-front or besides me, but rather at a slant, perplexes me now but then I was content with the circumstances. So when we eventually break up (us-hilly her, breaking up from me. The relationship blossomed, kisses, Hugs and doing what now I know as kink, but then it felt like something different….

    I am sorry, I did not mean to write my life story here. instead let me just simplify.

    I see myself in a different light after reading your blog and how our struggles & inquisitive nature in life is more alike and so different all in the same moment. Thank You for writing :0)


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